who are you?

Alright I'm not about to name names, because that's just mean...but what the hell is up with fakes these days? Honestly, I just can't even process how unreal people act. I'm starting to notice these qualities in people I've never noticed before, and maybe it's just because I'm starting to realize more about who I really am, and I can see other people aren't...or maybe I was just blindsided.

Like, honestly, there are people I'm friends with that I'm starting to realize I know nothing about. There are people who have no idea who they really are. I mean, have you noticed one of those people that changes clothes according to what group of friends they're in? Or...the people who are always going with the flow and never putting any input to what you might do this weekend. I don't know, I feel like I'm having some serious issues with followers these days. Call me a bitch, but it really pisses me off.

Like, I'll give you an example of one of the people who's really getting me mad lately. Let's call this person...Montana. Montana is really getting on my nerves these days because she has NO CLUE who she is. She changes her personality around different people, she hides the things she does & she just wants to be something she's not. She can't be true to herself, she wants to fit in, but it's just not working. It's like when you're trying to put a puzzle together, the pieces may look like they go somewhere, but when you try to fit it in -- it doesn't work. That's how Montana is. I'm starting to think I'm like Montana, too. Not fitting in right where I am. I mean, no, I'm not like a follower, because I can accept the fact that I'm feeling pretty out of place -- and that's just something I'm obviously going to have to fix on my own. Everything is such a blur to me now, I don't know. I feel like I've wasted so much time on something so hopeless, and friends & school & cliques & opinions, everything's all just so confusing but I'm really starting not to care.

I don't really know if any of that made ANY sense. It made more sense in my head then when I put it into words, but hopefully you can see me through on what I'm trying to say. Anyone know what I mean?

what is love, anyways?

So, today was the official first day of break. I won't deny that while I was hanging out with my friends & dealing with the whole PDA problem again, I was super bored. In the midst of my boredom, I decided that I'd look around & observe people (don't mind how sketchy that sounds). It seemed like honestly, everyone was in love. The way people were looking at each other & holding each other. I mean all I could think was "gag me" but oh well. So, of course, it got me thinking. What's love anyways? Is it really a beautiful thing? Is the quote "love can't hurt you" really true? Or is it nerve wracking? Absolutely scary? Or...maybe it actually does hurt. Maybe it's the most painful thing for some people. I don't know, or maybe I do...it's just all really perplexing.

Maybe love is when...you're holding hands and all you want to do is laugh, just because you feel like yourself around that person. You just don't care what others think of him/her anymore & what you guys do together. When it's both of you, no one else seems to matter & it's like every moment you two have together is unforgettable until the next moment together. Like a big chain of moments connected to a million others. Maybe that's what love really is.

Or maybe, you get an insane ammount of uncomfortable butterflies in your stomach. You feel scared, it's almost unbelievable. You possibly get all super self-concious & weird, because you don't know how to act in front of that person. Like, when he/she holds you or kisses you, you keep your cool, but really all you want to do is run to a bathroom & barf because you were honestly just so nervous. Nervous to be impressive, to be chill, just to be the perfect person for the one you want. You're scared of messing up. Maybe that's what love really is.

But maybe...love actually hurts. No, kills. Maybe love is when you see the person you love in the hall ways, and you see their eyes light up & you cross your fingers hoping is you and as you get nearer & nearer you realize the person was looking at someone else. Maybe it's when you're outside the school at the end of the day & you see the person you're in love with looking at someone else every moment, just like you're looking at them. And God, when they kiss...you just want to hug your own stomach to hold yourself from falling apart. Maybe that's love, or maybe that's just heart break. Which must be some sort of love.

I just have absolutely no clue anymore. Maybe love's not for everyone, because I'm starting to think it's not for me.

hugs&kisses,

Rai

scarred for life, much?

So, the other day my moms friend was driving my friend & I home from someone elses house. After we'd dropped her off we started talking and an important detail here is...my mom's friend is a guy & he's gay. Now, anyways, we were talking and somehow we got into talking about boys & the topic of sex came up...? Yeah, I know. It was a little strange but I was like, you know, whatever.

Anyways, we start talking and he says he thinks abstinence is ridiculous. I disagree a little bit just because I think it's true you know? You should save your body for the person you want to be with for the rest of your life...but weirdly enough, this guy made some good points. He said that his friend was abstinent, and when she finally got married & was on her honey moon, her husbands peen was the "size of a pinky." As if I wasn't laughing enough at this point, this 40 yr. old gay man told me that "I shouldn't give every guy I go out with sex, but if it's in the moment I shouldn't fight it." I was dieing, of being uncomfortable & because it sounded HIGH-LARIOUS coming from him.

But here's the worst part -- when he told me I shouldn't go off having sex with every guy (which I already knew on my own) he said that I should give him something to work with, not let him touch me, but I should touch him once in a while to keep him interested. Does anyone understand how awkward & vial that is? I mean seriously, picture yourself sitting in a car...just driving home talking to your mom's gay friend & all of a sudden you get into an awkward conversation and he tells you that it's okay to jack off your boyfriend. I DIED OF LAUGHTER, PEOPLE.

So I learned a couple of thing in the car that day. (1) When you're with someone you've got to have two types of love. 1-love in your heart & 2-love in bed. (2) Gay men are CRAZY ! But seriously, talk about scared for life...I talked to a gay guy about my future sex life...that's pretty darn awkward !

What would you do?

Yours Truly,

Rai

changes.

So, I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately & what's going to happen next year when I move onto high school. I was considering all the friends I've lost & gained and then a question popped into my mind. Do people really change? Or do people just start to like different things? Or is that considered changing? All these intertwined questions with no answers are really starting to drive me nuts !

I mean...does it make sense that just because someone starts to like different music, or wear different clothes, and say different things it's fair to say they've "changed" ? Honestly, I have no idea anymore. I mean...people will say I've changed and I'll ask how? I get no answer. I can't explain how others change myself, and I like being the one with the answers. But seriously though, in the future when there's no such thing as a "Queen B" will the girl who was "Queen B" still have the "Queen B" personality? Or will she change? Will the jerky jock still be a jerk when he's grown out of highschool? Will the nerd still talk about how interesting mathematics is when his job has nothing to do with math? It's all just so confusing my brain is about to spontaneously combust !

So...what does it take to actually change? You don't like who you are, or you're not the person you wanted to be...so you try to change. Does that mean you go off and hang out with new people? Or you go out and do stuff you'd normally hate just because the person you want to be would do that? I really don't understand change anymore & it's driving me fricken insane! Your interests will change, sure, but a tiger can't change it's stripes over night. So maybe the answer is we don't change, maybe we just are who we are at the end of the day & that's how it's supposed to be even if it's not how we pictured it in our own minds.

What do you think?

coy is dead.

Alright so, besides having my own issues...I feel like I'm dealing with a lot of things I...shouldn't be dealing with. I'm just going to be straight-up & throw it out there. PDA should be a beautiful thing, you know? Two people, "in love", wanna show it off -- it's cool. BUT, honestly, when I'm sitting around trying to talk to my friends but I can't because I feel like they're isolated into their own little bubble, it truly gets on my nerves. So, here's my solution.

Coy: affectedly modest or shy especially in a playful or provocative way.

The question: whatever happened to coy? I mean...last time I checked coy wasn't bad. Don't dare mistake me for a prude because I love guys & I love flirting and all that good stuff...but does it need to be in front of everyone I know, every moment of the day? NO. Absolutely not. PDA is becoming gross, and after a while, no offence to those public-affectioners, but it gets unbearably annoying. But back to the coy thing, I personally think the relationship would be a lot hotter if it was discreet...mysterious. I mean, why not save all the touching & kissing for when you two are alone?! Like, the single friends DON'T want to see the couples making out and the other couples don't care because they're too busy being couples! God! Whatever happened to the good old days where you could hang out with your friends, as friends.

Oh and let me not get started on the lame excuses I get when I try to confront my lovey-dovey friends like, "We don't ever see each other" or "So I can't even be near my boyfriend? Or else I'm an annoying couple?" Honey, when your friends are telling you you're isolating yourself & your boyfriend from the group, you better know they're not lieing, and if the only people that are going up against that are the other couples you're in a state I'd like to call DENIAL.

I'm probably coming off as one of those people who can't stand seeing anything that resembles love, but that's far from correct. It's like it's out of my character to tell anyone to "get a room" but sometimes it's just a teensy-weensy too far. I love my friends, but all the PDA crap is really selfish & inconsiderate of the people around you. Forgive me for not understanding the beauty of 24/7 PDA, but until I fall so deeply in love, into this state that I forget everyone else around me and only one person is the center of my world, I will not understand.

xoxo,
Rai.

P.S - sucking face in front of others is MASSIVELY unattractive.