friendship.

Friends. Everyone has a different meaning for the word. Friends are supposed to be the people you can tell everything to. Friends are supposed to fight...and then make-up. Friends are supposed to be there for you & comfort you when you need if. You're supposed to do the same for your friends. Friends are supposed to know what you're thinking, even when you're not telling them. Friends are supposed to be fun, at least to you. Friends are supposed to be supportive of your decisions. Friends are supposed to call you on your crap. Right? I mean...for all the years I've been living...I've always thought those things would define a true friendship. But I'm starting to wonder what a real friendship is...what a real friendship feels like, I miss the feeling.

No doubt about it I have plenty of friends...people that make me laugh & what not. But I miss that feeling of a true bond, something you don't have to force. Something you don't second guess. I miss the feeling of being able to turn my head and KNOW that there will be people backing me up. I miss that feeling of friends that have been friends for such a long time, but the friendship isn't died out. I miss that honest, true friendship. But I guess that's okay, because it takes time to come across a friendship like that, and it catches you by surprise. These days, since we're living in such a materialistic world filled with fakes & people who are constantly lying to themselves, we become friends with the people who look the most like us. Or act the more like us...from what we know, anyway.

Pardon me for using this cliche, (I hate cliches!) but I miss kinder garden. I miss when our parents dressed us so we didn't get generalized into 'prep' or 'jock' or 'nerd' or 'gangster'...because in reality the only things we wore were GAP & Old Navy, right? (: I miss meeting someone, and clicking because of your interests rather than your appearances. In kinder garden...if you liked to read...you'd go to the rug most likely & read a book. Then you'd find the kids around you who liked doing the same things & that's what would spark a friendship. Same with the people who went to the fake kitchen to play house...and the people who chose to draw...and the people who played with toy cars. It was all just so easy back then to find your friends. Now...you'd never see completely different girls hanging out together. I mean, you might...but you know what happens when you see all these girls who come from different back rounds & interests? They CHANGE! Oh my god! This change thing, still drives me crazy. But it happens...the group of different girls all morph into one another & start dressing differently to impress one another, start listening to the same music as the other girls would just to fit in. And then the friendship becomes fake. Does that make any sense? Do you follow what I'm saying?

Blah, I just am in desperate need for something fresh & real.

P.S: THE WEATHER HERE SUCKS. IT'S MAKING ME CRANKY. AND MY JOB IS MAKING ME CRANKY. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS STUPID TOWN! GROSHJTAEJH >.< I HATE HUMIDITY & MOSQUITOS. Just needed to get that out of my system. (; Thanks for your time. <3

guess who's backkkk?

Hey everyone (:

I know I haven't posted anything in a while, forgive me for it. I've just been super busy & now with summer coming...posts will probably be really slow because I'll have to be balancing my time between work, friends, camps, and more work. Joy! But whatever, I'm fine with it. And even now, everything has been hectic between all the finals & testing. Life has been super crazy, I hardly have time to breathe! Okay...that's a lie, I still have free time I've just been using it for other things. Honestly, I think part of me has been avoiding writing anything else here.

You wanna know why? Cause I'm confused. I don't know what to write about because I can't put my feelings into words. I've been dealing with some serious heart-ache lately. Boys drive me crazy; I'm just done. Truth is: I've never found love and love has never found me. Yeah, that's right. It takes two people to love, that's my motto. So if it's only one person in love, you're not in love. Because if there's supposed to be a certain "One" then that one has to love you back. Right? God! Stupid fairy tales have me all mixed up these days. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to face freaking reality. Reality blows. That make sense? Arg, I just don't know. But I think I also haven't been writing in here because I tend to vent my feelings towards negative things in my life...and besides the whole love sick thing...my life has been...hm, let me think...AMAZING? FANTASTIC? EVERY ANTONYM FOR TERRIBLE? Yeah, I love life, minus my love life.

I've been having a really good time with all of my friends, which is amazing. My relationship with my family has been growing (excluding my mother & sibling, we'll never get along.) and I GOT A JOB! A real job, for the whole summer. I know that doesn't sound good, but it totally is! I'm getting paid well so hopefully before freshman year starts, I'll be able to re-do my room & get my new wardrobe. And holy moly...FRESHMAN YEAR?! HIGH SCHOOL?! WHAT?! That is BIG news! Man. But I guess I should get through summer first...& this summer, by the way, is going to be the most ROCKINGEST SUMMER EVER. Bring on the beach & the tan-lines, I'm so ready.

Yeah, I know this post was pretty meaningless...but it's better than nothing I guess (: I'm taking blog requests, so if you want me to write about anything...I can try & do it up (:

boys, boys, boys.

NAVID SHIRAZI, WHY CAN'T YOU BE REAL?!

Blah, so I was watching these videos & I came across this lovely one of a Nadrianna scene from 90210. Possibly my favorite scene yet. XD And it really got me thinking...why can't more guys be like the one in this video? It seems guys these days have NO IDEA what they're doing at all, I mean -- maybe it has to do with my age and because the boys haven't matured...? but I don't know.

Call me unrealistic, but if more guys were like Navid up there, this world would be a better place. Seems like all guys want these days is a piece of ass, and yes, making out is nice -- we all know that, but that's not the principle of the thing. Girls want a little something more, someone who actually cares for them & isn't afraid to admit it. Someone who will hold them, and just do that -- no trying to get any further. Girls want someone who just want to be with them, or at least that's what I want.

But not all guys are like this, nope. There are PLENTY of nice guys XD But...a girl can't always have it all, right? Because, these nice guys, are all really sweet y'know? But they seem to have no idea how to be a boyfriend, or be together, or anything. The nice guys that claim to like you are always treating you like only a friend, and not moving forward at all. Grr >.<

But THEN there's the nice guys who are SO CLUELESS. Like they'll tell you the sweetest things, and they're cool -- but they're so unaware of how you're feeling sometimes. Like, they act like everything is absolutely perfect when really, it's not. You may have things going through your mind that you just want to talk about, and hope he'll understand -- but he doesn't.

Rawr, like I don't even know how to put this into words. It's not making sense & it's annoying, but whatever XD It was worth a shot. God, boys can be so frustrating >.< I can't wait until high school when hopefully they'll man up a little and become more like good ol' Navid. <3

to a friend.

Okay, so this isn't really something I'm personally dealing with, but what do we all think of love triangles? Boy, oh boy ! Do those things get complicated or what? Well, I've got a close friend...let's call her...Vicky. Vicky's one of my best girl friends so I'm willing to help her out a little with her sligth relationship disfunction (:

Well, so here's the deal. Vicky is finally happy with her boyfriend, he's cute, funny & all that good stuff...so what's not to love, right? But of course -- nothing is EVER perfect, Vicky's got a problem. She & another guy -- Antony used to have this little crush thing going on a while back, and it was nothing hot & heavy -- not for Antony, anyway. Vicky really liked Antony, and because of some school stuff, Vicky & Antony are going to HAVE to spend more time together.

Does anyone see where I'm getting at with this? If not, I'll clarify. Although Vicky is EXTREMELY happy with her boyfriend, Antony is hoping back into the picture & causing Vicky to get some old feelings started up again...and she doesn't know what to do. I didn't exactly know how to help her either, because if it were me...I'd just dump my boyfriend & listen to what my heart was telling me. But Vicky doesn't want to screw things up because she's genuinely happy now, but Antony just keeps coming back & screwing things up. So I'm leaving it up to you, readers. What should good ol' Vicky do?

I'm just so happy.

Okay, I am just SO HAPPY. I feel like my past posts have been border-line depressing, but not this one. I am honestly SO HAPPY right now. Like, words can't even describe it. For the past couple of months, I've been feeling so lost & hopeless, anyone know what I mean? Like I didn't belong anywhere...but now, it feels like -- like I've finally found my place. Before I was spending weekends by myself, and CHOOSING not to go hang-out just because I felt like I'd have more fun reading other peoples facebook statuses...how sad is that? It's been rough, and I'm not trying to criticize anyone, but I'm just saying -- things weren't feeling right for me. I was sick of being the out-cast, y'know?

And now -- suddenly, it feels like I'm finally opening my eyes to a whole world outside of this little bubble that was beginning to feel a little too claustrophobic. Like, I'm finally taking a breath of fresh air after being locked up in a little black room. I don't know, I just feel so wonderful now. Like, I know what I want to do. And I have a ton of SUPPORT which I was seriously lacking before. There are people who like the same things I do. I just can't even explain this, it reminds me of a time way back in 6th grade, when I found something so real for the first time. Now, I'm getting to re-live that experience, but it's like -- better?

This probably isn't making sense to any of you, and it's not really supposed to XD I'm just posting this right now to let everyone know that if I've been looking "depressed" lately -- cause that's what people have been telling me -- well let's just say that chick is dead & gone and I am now full of life & ready to live it up & be happy. I'm sick of moping around over something that was completely in my control. Now that I've taken action, I feel like myself again. The real me.

Yours truly,
Raissa

P.S -- I think there was a misunderstanding up there, when I said I was feeling lost & all that stuff, I was blaming people. But then some folks confronted me about it and I guess they were right IT'S MY FAULT I WAS FEELING THAT WAY. Okay, sure. My fault. I don't mind getting that blame -- it's my fault I felt like I wasn't getting the support I wanted & it was my fault I was feeling out of place & it was my fault I was feeling horribly suffocated. Yup, that's right. So let me just clarify that the "people" so to speak that I THOUGHT were making me feel like that are actually perfect. It's not them it's me. (:

who are you?

Alright I'm not about to name names, because that's just mean...but what the hell is up with fakes these days? Honestly, I just can't even process how unreal people act. I'm starting to notice these qualities in people I've never noticed before, and maybe it's just because I'm starting to realize more about who I really am, and I can see other people aren't...or maybe I was just blindsided.

Like, honestly, there are people I'm friends with that I'm starting to realize I know nothing about. There are people who have no idea who they really are. I mean, have you noticed one of those people that changes clothes according to what group of friends they're in? Or...the people who are always going with the flow and never putting any input to what you might do this weekend. I don't know, I feel like I'm having some serious issues with followers these days. Call me a bitch, but it really pisses me off.

Like, I'll give you an example of one of the people who's really getting me mad lately. Let's call this person...Montana. Montana is really getting on my nerves these days because she has NO CLUE who she is. She changes her personality around different people, she hides the things she does & she just wants to be something she's not. She can't be true to herself, she wants to fit in, but it's just not working. It's like when you're trying to put a puzzle together, the pieces may look like they go somewhere, but when you try to fit it in -- it doesn't work. That's how Montana is. I'm starting to think I'm like Montana, too. Not fitting in right where I am. I mean, no, I'm not like a follower, because I can accept the fact that I'm feeling pretty out of place -- and that's just something I'm obviously going to have to fix on my own. Everything is such a blur to me now, I don't know. I feel like I've wasted so much time on something so hopeless, and friends & school & cliques & opinions, everything's all just so confusing but I'm really starting not to care.

I don't really know if any of that made ANY sense. It made more sense in my head then when I put it into words, but hopefully you can see me through on what I'm trying to say. Anyone know what I mean?

what is love, anyways?

So, today was the official first day of break. I won't deny that while I was hanging out with my friends & dealing with the whole PDA problem again, I was super bored. In the midst of my boredom, I decided that I'd look around & observe people (don't mind how sketchy that sounds). It seemed like honestly, everyone was in love. The way people were looking at each other & holding each other. I mean all I could think was "gag me" but oh well. So, of course, it got me thinking. What's love anyways? Is it really a beautiful thing? Is the quote "love can't hurt you" really true? Or is it nerve wracking? Absolutely scary? Or...maybe it actually does hurt. Maybe it's the most painful thing for some people. I don't know, or maybe I do...it's just all really perplexing.

Maybe love is when...you're holding hands and all you want to do is laugh, just because you feel like yourself around that person. You just don't care what others think of him/her anymore & what you guys do together. When it's both of you, no one else seems to matter & it's like every moment you two have together is unforgettable until the next moment together. Like a big chain of moments connected to a million others. Maybe that's what love really is.

Or maybe, you get an insane ammount of uncomfortable butterflies in your stomach. You feel scared, it's almost unbelievable. You possibly get all super self-concious & weird, because you don't know how to act in front of that person. Like, when he/she holds you or kisses you, you keep your cool, but really all you want to do is run to a bathroom & barf because you were honestly just so nervous. Nervous to be impressive, to be chill, just to be the perfect person for the one you want. You're scared of messing up. Maybe that's what love really is.

But maybe...love actually hurts. No, kills. Maybe love is when you see the person you love in the hall ways, and you see their eyes light up & you cross your fingers hoping is you and as you get nearer & nearer you realize the person was looking at someone else. Maybe it's when you're outside the school at the end of the day & you see the person you're in love with looking at someone else every moment, just like you're looking at them. And God, when they kiss...you just want to hug your own stomach to hold yourself from falling apart. Maybe that's love, or maybe that's just heart break. Which must be some sort of love.

I just have absolutely no clue anymore. Maybe love's not for everyone, because I'm starting to think it's not for me.

hugs&kisses,

Rai